If you look at the news these days, you will not find many stories that deal with anything positive. There’s a viral outbreak, riots in the streets, and people dying; it’s not good.
So why not forget the bad crap that happened this week and focus more on the ridiculous headlines the media has been hitting people with?
These ten stories may cover serious stuff, but reading the headlines will probably make most readers LOL when they see their headlines presented in no particular order.
10. ‘Monkeys Snatch COVID-19 Blood Samples After Attacking Lab Worker In India’
Most people who only know monkeys when they see them in zoos may not realize how brazenly intrepid they can be by people in populated areas like Uttar Pradesh, India. It is common for monkeys to run up to people and steal things, and although their most common interest is food, they have been known to take anything from cameras and hats to sunglasses and knives. In essence, whatever they can get their fingers on is fair game, and apparently that vials of blood contain.
A group of monkeys ran to a lab technician at Meerut Medical College and stole some vials of blood taken from four COVID-19 patients. Fortunately, the researchers were able to recover the samples, which showed no signs of breakage, so an increased spread of the incident remains unlikely. The only real fallout around the incident was that the blood samples had to be taken again. Otherwise, that silly headline didn’t make the first phase of a “Planet of the Apes” scenario, so in the end, it’s much more fun than it is serious.
9. ‘Three Boys Hospitalized After Trying To Gain Spider-Man Superpowers From A Spider Bite’
When someone reads about the daring adventures that everyone experiences as “Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man”, they usually don’t think, “This looks like something I could do! Unfortunately, there is always someone who thinks the opposite, and for three Bolivian boys they thought they could speed things up by taking their superhero interest to the next source: a Black Widow Spider-Man. The three young men found the spider and started poking it with a stick, hoping it would take a little bite. Unfortunately, it worked, and all three were bitten.
Instead of doing what a spider can do, the young men were all found by their mother and were crying on the floor. Black widow spiders may not grant superpowers to humans, but they have a lot of pain. The boys were taken to hospital where they were treated and released. Fortunately, such bites rarely lead to serious complications, but death can occur in rare cases. For most people, bites cause “nausea, profuse sweating, severe pain in the abdomen and back, muscle pain, high blood pressure and paralysis of the diaphragm, which can cause difficulty breathing.”
8. ‘Man’s Attempt To Reheat Food On Packed Flight Leaves Passengers Baffled’
It is not unusual for people to take snacks or even a replacement meal on a long haul flight, but a recent story revolves around someone doing something really strange on a flight this week. A passenger brought a delicious slice of pizza with him, and while there are many people who can enjoy a slice that is not heated up, this passenger was not one of those people. Instead of eating the slice at room temperature, the passenger wanted it to heat up, but instead of asking a flight attendant to put it in a microwave, they tried their own thing.
A picture of the event was posted on an Instagram account of Passenger Shaming with the caption “Just warming up some leftovers” next to a picture of a man holding his pizza slice up to the cabin light above his seat. He actually tried to heat his pizza slice with a tiny LED, and apparently he was serious about getting it done. Comments on the picture included gems like “You can’t fix stupid” and “This is an LED light. It doesn’t bring any heat”, but the best comment was probably the most honest one: “I’m outraged, but it could definitely be worse.”
7. ‘Man Drinks Liter Of Lemon Juice In Under 17 Seconds For World Record’
Somewhere, right at the moment, you are reading this sentence, someone is trying to break a world record. This happens with fame and fortune, so it makes sense that it happens all the time, and while some are records of serious achievements, many include tasks better described as stunts. This week included a man’s goal to consume a whole liter of lemon juice in less than 17 seconds because apparently that’s one thing people had to do to see their name in print.
Well, this is lemon juice, not lemonade, so it’s one of the foulest liquids a person can drink directly. David Rush did the trick by drinking one liter of bitter juice in 16.53 seconds, beating the previous record of 17.12 seconds. Rush has personally broken 100 Guinness World Records over the years, but he does not do it for his own benefit. His goal is to promote Mint training… somehow, and he probably won’t stop soon. According to Rush, the record attempt made him vomit juice as soon as he finished, and it also made him feel stomach upset during the day.
6. ‘Car, Illicit Barbecue Found Hidden Under Camouflage Material’
Sometimes a criminal will go incredible lengths to hide his illegal activities, but there is usually something they forget and that is what they do in. For Al Capone, it was his income tax, and for a resident of Studland, Dorset, it was the smell of delicious food. A British police authority literally discovered a car and an illegal stove, cleverly encased in camouflage nets often used by the military to conceal vehicles, tents, and other equipment from aerial observation.
The police wrote about their find in an Instagram post in which they wrote: “A busy morning down in Studland. We found an innovative vehicle cover on Ferry Road today. It wasn’t the camouflage that stopped us, it was the oven’s cooking breakfast we could smell while driving.” It was a valiant effort, but the illegal activity was discovered and dealt with by members of the Purbeck police force. Using camouflage nets to hide the car was not the biggest problem the police had with what they found, as it is against the law to use barbecues or other fires in the protected area.
5. ‘Wife Fumes As Husband Plans To Give Unborn Baby ‘stupidest Name Ever”
The Internet has brought many things to the world over the years, but one that seems to be omnipresent in most Western societies is a fondness for strange baby names. Everyone wants to be unique, so a simple “Michael” or “Rebecca” won’t cut it anymore. There have been stories about people who called their child “Adolf Hitler” and “Audio Science”, but these are only the tip of the iceberg of strange baby names found online. For a couple with only a few months left in pregnancy, their strange baby name is a mathematical reference.
On the one hand, it makes sense because the husband and his parents are math geniuses, but that doesn’t excuse the decision he made. He wants to name his son Cube. “Like a Rubik’s Cube,” his wife said. “I thought he was joking, but he meant it.” The story first broke on Reddit, where the expectant mother took the name to see if people agreed with her belief that it was “the stupidest name ever,” or with her husband who insisted it was “cute.” Reddit agreed with her and comments like “LOL naming her child cube, what a blockhead” followed.
4. ‘Man’s Carbonara ‘Monstrosity’ Is So Bad Italians Are Left’ Weeping”
Thanks to the Internet, people can post pictures of everything they do in the kitchen, and occasionally a celebrity chef like Gordon Ramsey will not trivialize people to any end. It’s fun, and it can be helpful in serious cases where a person is really passionate about their kitchen. A colleague who called himself “Steven S” recently posted a picture of his now infamous carbonara on the Facebook group Rate My Plate to see what others thought of his pride and joy. People didn’t hold back when they denounced it as one of the worst plates of so-called “food” they’d ever seen.
If you are not familiar with the dish, a commentator clarified it by saying that “carbonara is usually made of pancetta, egg yolk, heavy cream, garlic, and lots of freshly ground black pepper. [Editor’s note: He’s wrong. Real carbonara is made from raw eggs, hot cooking water, parmesan cheese and pepper; no garlic, and no cream]. This is not what Steven S. provided. His plate consisted of spaghetti from a can, a slice of American cheese, and some sliced hot dogs. The comments were anything but free, with one user writing: “Now that my boyfriend is one of the worse things I have seen on this site. I wonder what you had to drink with that – a nice glass of vinegar? That’s a bit like wine, isn’t it?”
3. ‘Knocking On Florida Couple’s Door Were Two Alligators Fighting’
When we hear us knocking on our door and not expecting anyone, most of us assume that it is someone trying to sell us something. It can be annoying to go to the door just to find someone you don’t want to smile with while trying to squat magazine subscriptions, or something much worse, Girl Scout Cookies… but that’s only because they’re irresistible and require lots of trips to the gym. Still, any of these options would be preferable to what showed up on a couple’s doorstep in Florida this week.
Sue and Joe Geshel from Fort Myers heard someone knocking on their door, and since they weren’t expecting visitors, they took a look to see who it might be before they opened the door. That was definitely the right move because after the knocking turned into a stomping, a quick look outside revealed two full-grown alligators fighting each other for territory. This is nothing that a human should ever interrupt by opening the door he was fighting. Fortunately, nothing bad came from the visit except an initial fright, and the two reptiles finished their business after leaving after about 20 minutes.
2. ‘India: Officials Claim Pakistan’ Spy’ Pigeon Captured’
The conflict between India and Pakistan has been going on for decades, and the question of Kashmir’s ownership is likely to continue for a long time. Border skirmishes are not entirely unusual, and each side has accused the other of inappropriate behaviour since the border was first drawn. While this headline may be funny, it is still pretty serious. Pigeons have been used as news carriers for more than 3,000 years, so India’s claim may not be as far-fetched as it appears on the surface.
The accused “spy” pigeon was captured by villagers in Manyara, located in the Pakistani Kashmir border region. The bird carried a message that India believes is coded and sent from Pakistan, although whether this is true remains unknown. Shailendra Mishra, senior superintendent of the Kathua Police, said: “Some called it a coded message. In Punjab, Pakistan, people tie license plates to pigeons to claim the property.” In the past, carrier pigeons were used to threaten Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, so it’s not a possibility that the pigeon is being used for espionage.
1. ‘Pair Hired For Man’s Broom Sexual Fantasy Turn Up In Bedroom At Wrong Address With Machetes’
You may have heard stories about people setting up various adult fantasies through websites like Craigslist, and usually the stories around these incidents are little more than a humorous anecdote. Imagine that you are creating a certain fetish fantasy and the people you expected to show are not. Imagine instead that they showed up at 6:15 at another address. Now, imagine you were at that address and you woke up to find two men standing in your bedroom with machetes, and you will be in the same shoes as a guy in Sydney, Australia.
The whole thing was just a mix-up, and the two men snuck into the wrong bedroom to perform a stranger’s sexual fantasy of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom. Apparently it’s a real fetish and if they had shown up in the right bedroom, the world would never have heard the story, but it didn’t work that way. While the resident called the police, he only did so after the men had left, after he apologized with a firm handshake. Both men were eventually acquitted of the charge, thanks to the messages that proved it was a simple mistake.
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